I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Terrible idea I love it
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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