remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
My ass is underappreciated
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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