Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
so much tequila, so little girl.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
