Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Everything about him screamed your future.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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