Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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