I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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