I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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