I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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