Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
