He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Randomize
