i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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