i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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