I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
