i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
