I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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