Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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