He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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