I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Randomize
