i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
