She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
