dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
