i wish starbucks made bloody marys
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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