What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
