shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
