I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
