We named our party play list daddy issues
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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