I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
