Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize
