just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
