my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Dignity is for republicans.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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