dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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