I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
