The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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