3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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