So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
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