thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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