I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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