I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
