I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
