Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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