I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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