wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Just took my morning after pill in the library
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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