I'm laying in your front yard are you home
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
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