you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
