I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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