You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
