he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Randomize
