So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
