Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
