It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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