So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
