i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
