So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
