just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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