tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
